‘In love’ does not exist. Not as we tend to think of it. It is not a singular emotion or feeling that happens to all of us. It is a cocktail of many different emotions, and psychological factors. The cocktail differs for all us despite the the similar heady aftereffects. Let’s dive in.
When someone declares, “I’m in love,” our minds often envision a romantic tapestry filled with heart-marked notes and idyllic sunsets. Love is frequently perceived as a singular, intoxicating emotion—an ethereal feeling that sweeps us off our feet and paints our lives with joy.
However, have you ever paused to consider that being “in love” might actually be more nuanced? It’s not just one emotion, but rather a complex cocktail of feelings that includes insecurities, the desire for validation, jealousy, possessiveness, and much more. Together, these elements create a multifaceted experience we navigate in our relationships.
Understanding love as a mixture of various psychological factors can empower you to engage in healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Join me as we delve into the intricate layers of what it truly means to be “in love.”
The Foundation of Love: Unearthing the Layers
To truly grasp the concept of love, it’s essential to explore its many facets. When examining our experiences of love, we can liken them to a cocktail—different ingredients come together to create a unique flavor profile. Each emotion plays a crucial role, contributing to a wider understanding of what it means to connect deeply with another person.
Insecurities: A Key Ingredient
Insecurities often set the stage for many feelings we experience in love. Have you ever found yourself questioning your worth when you don’t receive a text back from your partner?
This common anxiety can stem from the desires we project onto our romantic connections.
For instance, consider the example of a couple: she felt exhilarated when he praised her, but insecurities crept in whenever she felt ignored or unappreciated. Such feelings can lead to doubt and dissatisfaction—often manifesting as arguments or misunderstandings.
The key to navigating this ingredient is self-awareness. Taking time to reflect on your insecurities can help you address them directly, reducing the strain they place on your romantic relationships.
Seeking Validation: The Sweetener
Love can feel like a euphoric validation drug. Whether it’s that giddy feeling from a partner’s compliment or messages describing how much they miss you, these affirmations often reinforce our self-esteem. However, relying solely on another person’s feelings to feel whole can be precarious.
Consider another couple, whose relationship flourished initially due to endless compliments and public displays of affection. However, when one person stopped expressing those affections, the reliance on external validation made her question their bond, often creating misunderstandings. To achieve balance, it’s vital to build self-love and cultivate an identity beyond your relationship.
Jealousy: The Bitter Undertone
Jealousy is another complex flavor that often simmers beneath the surface in relationships. It can arise when we fear losing a partner’s affection or when a perceived threat emerges. It has a unique way of creeping into even the most solid of relationships, coloring interactions with doubt.
Lets us take another situational example. She felt jealous when he mentioned spending time with a friend, which led to unnecessary arguments and hurtful accusations. Understanding that jealousy is rooted in fear—fear of inadequacy or losing someone—can help couples address these feelings before they fester. Engaging in open communication about insecurities can alleviate the bitterness jealousy may introduce.
Possessiveness: The Sour Note
Possessiveness often intertwines with love’s stronger emotions, sometimes making its presence known when one partner feels the need to control aspects of the other’s life or friendships. The desire to safeguard the bond can morph into possessiveness, which can be detrimental if not kept in check.
For example being curious about what is on another’s phone is a temptation for many, and not without reason. People’s phones today are a clear gateway for peering what their lives involve.
Her inclination to check his phone and monitor relationships created a toxic environment that eroded trust. Rather than expressing excitement for one another’s friendships, their bond became strained due to possession over love.
For a healthier relationship, it’s essential to cultivate trust by allowing each other the freedom to grow individually, ultimately strengthening the partnership. However, while you cannot expect someone to hand you their phones when you have just met, it is also true that being extra sensitive and secretive about one’s phone is a potential red-flag.
People you meet have a past and some of that past is private. There are also memories that are private. Most of the time this past and memories are contained in one’s phone. This can be clearly acknowledged. But being surreptitious about current activity such as calls and messages that evoke odd behaviour can mean that something could be up that requires attention and perhaps caution.
Working Towards Healthy Love
While it’s important to acknowledge that being “in love” is a tapestry rich with various emotions, it’s equally essential to understand how to navigate these feelings toward positive outcomes. Here are some actionable steps you can implement in your relationships:
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Practice Self-Reflection: Regularly take time to examine your own feelings—identify moments when insecurities arise and address them directly. This can help mitigate their impact on your relationship. Maybe. I have realised something over time. While self-awareness helps you realise what is going on with your mind, it not make the issues go away right away, if at all. Recognising your own triggers, however, can help you deal with the moments when you feels the sharp edges of being in love.
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Communicate Openly: Foster an environment where discussing feelings—both positive and negative—is welcomed. Addressing insecurities, jealousy, and possessiveness openly can strengthen trust. However, there is a caveat to this. It is difficult for most people to have a healthy communication because it takes two to tango.
And very many times, two heads are at loggerheads with their own perspectives. Most of times one will be more stubborn that the other and intent on proving that they are ‘right’.Even worse, people worry about being honest and vulnerable with another because they fear it will be used against them. And very often it is. Showing your hand and your vulnerabilities is also like showing a chink in your armour.
People who have had unpleasant experiences before will be specially hesitant to open up. It makes it easier for the other person to control, manipulate and use the situation to their advantage if they are that kind of people.
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Prioritize Individuality: While being part of a couple is beautiful, ensure you retain your individuality. Nurturing your interests outside of the relationship can enhance the bond you share. But the groundwork for this has to be laid early on in the relationship. Even during the time that you do not want to do anything else other than be with each other.
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Seek Professional Support: If you find that feelings of jealousy or possessiveness are overwhelming, consider talking to a therapist or relationship coach. Professional guidance can offer valuable perspectives and coping strategies.
The Nature of Love: A Game Of Give And Take
I want to talk about something that people do not seem to acknowledge or understand pragmatically about love. And that is that at its core, the ability to love is significantly tied to what we derive from these relationships.
We are often drawn to people who bring joy, support, and value into our lives. When someone does not evoke positive feelings or fulfill our emotional needs, it is near impossible to cultivate love for them. This principle applies across all types of relationships—whether with friends, romantic partners, or children.
Simply put, one can never love someone who does not give them something back in return. Many will want to cite examples of children and parents and cite unconditional love and the sacrifices made. But that would not be completely correct either. Parents derive a lot of their children. That is the reason why people have them, apart from the fact that all biological species are programmed to reproduce.
However, in the modern times with the advent of birth control, having children is a choice for many people. And people would not have them if there was no benefit in it for them. At the very foremost, children provide meaning, purpose and security for the parents. It becomes a very large part of most people’s lives, sometime unhealthily so. But more about that in another post.
The Principle of Reciprocity
Back the idea of reciprocity. One essential component of love is the idea of reciprocity. True affection often stems from a mutual exchange of positivity. For instance, consider a friend whose laughter brightens your day; it’s easy to love someone who consistently brings you joy. In romantic relationships, when partners support each other’s growth and happiness, their bond deepens, allowing love to flourish.
This dynamic also extends to parent-child relationships, where a nurturing environment fosters love and connection. Without this mutual exchange, relationships can feel imbalanced and struggle to thrive.
The Desire for Connection and Ownership
Another vital aspect of love is the instinctual desire for ownership. We often wish to claim a part of those we love, striving to integrate them into our lives and share meaningful experiences. But how far can and for how long can you take it forward? Ownership feels great in the beginning. Even possessiveness. It feels like a person cares about and is attached to you.
Some people want to deny that to another right from the start. They do not want to feel owned. The thing is, any and everything about love works as long as it is in balance and near equal measure from both the people involved. If you feel strongly about another person, you will not mind the feeling of ownership. In fact you will like it.
A lot of focus is given to the importance of social connections in our lives. Some people need a person or two, whereas others a tribe.
According to research from the Harvard Study of Adult Development, strong social connections are associated with longer, healthier lives. By focusing on love’s principles of reciprocity and connection, you can not only improve your relationships but also your overall quality of life.
But I also say that people need to work on themselves a lot more and explore their dependency and need for other people. I see grown-ups with the same insecurities and dependencies on others. It is a good idea to learn to be more with oneself and to be more complete in that space.
Having gold buddies to play with everyday is great, but one should be equally adept at sitting and having tea by themselves on a rainy day.
“No matter where you are in the world, you are at home when tea is served.” – Earlene Grey
